Kinda lost here.

[alden oliver selwyn]

Alright so before I ramble on into this, just a warning I go into some religious topics, so if you don't like it or what not just know I am not trying to offend nor start anything here.

Anyways,

I literally do not know how much longer I can hold on these days. I’ve literally got no one else besides family, and I know that they say family is all you need, but really that isn’t true or else the maker of that saying came from a line of inbred brothers and sisters (sorry weird humor when I am upset)

I am basically writing all this out because I need someone to listen to me. Anyone really.

I’m 19 years old, and in the past 5 years of my life, I feel like I have experienced more pain and heartache than what anyone my age should already go through. School was a complete nightmare for me. Sure, I had friends, but I could all tell each one really didn’t care, or thought I was some jerk (which not going to lie I can be at times, but I have my reasons like everyone else). All through school I was made fun of about my weight, and hell I am not even that big. I get on a scale and I weigh 225lbs, and I only appear to be chubby, not so enormous that I look like Violet of Willy Wonka after she eats that stupid gum. Anyways, during school I was bullied about my weight, and then as the years went on I was told that I was gay just cause I couldn’t find a girlfriend or because half the people I did hang around were girls cause they were at least a little bit nicer to me than the guys around the place. Hell, even when I did finally get into a relationship, people still either called me gay or thought I was weird cause the girl happened to like dark clothing and listened to metal music. Everywhere I went in high school, I was always called some sort of name, even by some of the people who I thought were friends of mine.

School relationship wise was still just as much of a nightmare. IN those 5 years (and I am counting freshman year until now) I had been in 6 relationships, that all ended in rather shitty terms, or caused some sort of harm to me. The first was an abusive girl who had a health issue that caused her to lash out at me at times. The second was sort of the same deal, except when I was done with her and realized she was just like the other she thought that getting back at me by telling people I raped her was the way to go. No. I want it to be known that still today walking through my hometown, I still get looked at funny by some of the parents in the local Wal-Mart. She caused the first major pain in my life, and caused me to go introverted for the next year, simply cause I was afraid that my life was ruined. I begged my parents to let me drop out right then and get my GED. I was smart enough, and I even went and got a study test just to show them. I have to admit though I am glad they talked me out of it, but then again I still wonder at times if it was really the best option. The next girl to come along tossed me back and forth and then got mad cause I wouldn’t “Go to the next level” with her. Yeah….not that great there. The other two were actually decent. One lasted 3 months, and the other 2 days, but looking back those were the best 2 days I have gotten out of all of this, just cause they were simple and didn’t cause any problems later down the road. Thats five right there, six will come here shortly in the next part.

I figured things would get better after high school. I’d finally be out on my own, going to a new school, meeting new people, having a fresh start. Well I didn’t get it. People always think my family is well off, but truth is we struggle a lot. We may appear to be well off, but that’s because we take care of our stuff and it seems to last forever doing it that way. With that said, I never got a fresh start. School never came again for me. No. I wanted to go, I still do, but I know that we just can not make it happen financially right now, and the last thing I want is my parents co-signing on a loan with me after all they’ve been through themselves. So what happened? Well Life did. I got a new job, new clothes, new haircut, and carried on with my life. My best friend moved in with me, I met a girl, and everything seemed to be going right. Well of course all good things must end, and this ended with the biggest bang for me so far. I fell in Love. Literally. Like I have always heard people in High School talk about love like they know what its about, but really they have no clue. Love isn’t some feeling. In fact, it’s no feeling at all. That’s what makes it great. You know it’s there, but you don’t have to force it out in the open and make it known. You just know. And I knew with her. I had even talked about it with my parents and her parents, cause both saw that it was going to happen. I was going to propose to her. I know most of you are thinking “You’re 19 and you were going to propose to this girl you have only been dating for 6 months?”. Yeah I was. Come on it’s not that far fetched! If people on eHarmony can go on there, hook up with some random person they’ve never met who lives 10 miles away, and in 6 months can get engaged, then I sure as hell can turn around and propose to a girl whom I’ve known for well over a year, talked on and off with before even dating, and ask her cause I knew right then she was the one, and even today I wonder at times if she still is and that maybe going back would solve some things on both our ends.

Now that that’s been dumped into the open I have foreshadowed that we didn’t make it, I guess I should go into what happened. Well it’s a long one. My best friend had been staying for two months with me at this point. It’s month 5 in the relationship and everything is going smooth. Well she worked in the city, and she hung around some of the wrong people, and she got involved with some of the wrong things, just like my best friend was now starting to do. Well this is where the story deviates a bit, cause I do not know what exactly happened cause at the time I was working. From what I have pieced together, He got her drunk or high one and slept with her. Now, she says she never did and he kept trying to get her to, and he says that he never did but she kept trying to get her to. Still either way I guessed it happened. I knew a week after words something was wrong, cause I just could feel it in the air. She didn’t smile like she normally did, she then tell me certain things about her day like usual. Everything was just off, and finally I went to her house before she got home from work, sat her mom down and asked her what had been going on. Well her mom proceeded to tell me that she had been hanging around with two people, a co-worker of hers and my best friend, and that they had been in Nashville all the times I was working and she wouldn’t get home until late. Well I knew then what had happened, but I needed to hear it from her. She got home, we went upstairs, she tried to get me to watch a movie, and I just confronted her about it right then and there. I wasn’t going to go through with my plans for saturday (the night I was going to make the offer) unless I knew for sure that everything was alright and maybe I was just getting jitters or something. Well she came out and basically told me that she loved me, but she was starting to love him and that she needed time to think. Of course being me and the realist I am, I told her she could shove her thoughts where the sun don’t shine and I said it was over. I drove home that night shaking and crying all the while. Even in the jewelry store I still had tears as I returned my purchase and then took off again. That literally broke the straw for me, and I just couldn’t do anything like that again.

Well of course the worst did come from it. All the friends I did have abandoned me cause they were on his side of the argument, and any of the friends she had that I had become to know slightly I guess were told never to speak to me cause I haven’t heard from any of them. Strike that. I do hear from some, but they are always asking about Him and not Her, which I find odd, but I ignore them and tell em to just ask someone else. Life moved on though. 2 months passed and I was better, but not recovered. I felt lost and just deserted. It was then that I found out about my cousin’s church„ and how he was the Pastor and was starting it up. I figured what the hell, it couldn’t hurt to go to a meeting and if I don’t like it, well then I can just leave and never look back. That night I sat on the tailgate crying and pouring my heart out to him cause it felt so right to do so, and ever since I have been hooked into that place. Still, there are problems with it which I will get to in a minute. Life still went on, but more things seemed to happen. My truck was vandalized in the middle of the night, with words like “Rapist” and “Fag” etched into the pain by key. Tires were slashed, windows scratched. I had to go a month with out a car, but luckily the insurance covered it all. Still, it brought me down again and it took a bit to climb back up.

Church helped with that though. I became bass player in the worship band. I started taking my hobby of film work and making videos for the church. I became more social and more outgoing again. But then I realized something was wrong, and I prayed. I prayed for God to show me what it was and sitting at a staff meeting the other day He showed me. I was told that I need to give most of my time to the Church or else God didn’t appreciate me. That’s not right. I busted my ass more than enough times for them, especially with videos. I would get told that we were meeting to talk over ideas, and when arriving it apparently was a video shoot. Did I say anything? No. I went on and got my equipment and shot what was needed. I have more than enough times stopped my plans to rest and catch up with my life and do something for them only to be told what? That I’m not giving enough time and effort to what I am doing? That’s not fair, and I know that’s not how God sees it. So what did I do? I gave up video work cause I didn’t want to feel that I wasn’t giving my all in that area. Which of course is not true. I have done so many last minute things for them it’s not even funny, but yet I get no appreciation from it, and I just can’t do on like that. Really, I only did the videos just cause The Church needed help with it, and I being how I am wanted to help. It wasn’t my calling. My calling has always laid with music.

All my life I have been told that I was destined for something great. So many times have I heard stories that I am born to do something fantastic, but yet I see no results. Now I know God has a plan for everyone, and I know he doesn’t show it to them, but really I am starting to question if even I am destined for something in music, let alone anything in my life. I am so lost, and confused. I feel torn and tattered like worn out clothing that has been stretched over so many years, but yet never gets thrown away cause there is some hidden value to it. I just simply don’t know anymore, and I wish someone would help me understand it all. I am getting no where with my family besides with the Church issues, and I just...I don't know anymore.